


Attaining the Unattainable

by slugworthingtonjr



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Rain, Sad, Spying, curious Eren, somber Levi, thoughtful Eren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-05-18 06:52:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5902549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slugworthingtonjr/pseuds/slugworthingtonjr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I was feeling a bit melancholy today and had to get this out there. Let me know if you're interested in more. I wrote this more as a creative release for myself, but I could continue with this story if people are interested. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy it!</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Torrential Melancholy

**Author's Note:**

> I was feeling a bit melancholy today and had to get this out there. Let me know if you're interested in more. I wrote this more as a creative release for myself, but I could continue with this story if people are interested. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy it!

The rain was still pouring down. Levi's squad had been out running formation exercises when the downpour started. Some of the soldiers had expected him to cut the exercise short because of the rain, but those people clearly didn't know the Captain like Eren did. The exercise would be seen through to the end no matter what. In fact, it seemed to Eren that Levi had become even more intent on completing it once the rain started. "The weather is something we cannot control." he had shouted over the sound of water spattering loudly on the ground. "What happens when we're out on a mission and an unexpected storm hits? What happens when we can't see each other anymore and the titans start closing in?" The group was silent, droplets sliding down chilled noses and chins, none of them had really considered that possibility. "We finish this exercise. You need to know what it's like, how to adapt when things take an unexpected turn." So they had powered through, shouting at each other over the endless stampede of drops surrounding them. They were back at headquarters now, getting the horses settled in and unloading their gear through the mud. Eren had just finished brushing his horse down and settling it in it's stable. He turned and began to subconsciously look for the strong profile and raven black hair of the man he'd come to admire. Eren hadn't quite realized it himself yet, but he always had one eye on the captain, watching his methods of command, his interactions with the other soldiers. At this moment though he couldn't see the captain among the other soldiers who were heading from the stables towards the shelter of the old stone building. Where was he? 

"Eren! Come on!" Armin beckoned an arm towards him and Mikasa, both soaked to the bone. "Let's get inside!"

"Uh...I'll catch up with you! I left something in the stable!" Eren lied, he hadn't left anything in the stable. 

He needed to know where the captain was and something told him that Armin and Mikasa would think that was a bit weird. So, he waved to them and splashed through the mud puddles back to the stable. His two friends ran in the opposite direction and ducked into the doors of their sanctuary. He was the only one in the stable now, steam rose from the muscles of the horses as they snorted and munched on some fresh hay. Eren walked to the end of the row, where Levi kept his horse. The captain's horse was pristine and content, a bit of straw poked from it's lips as it chewed calmly. The young man stared for a moment musing about how horse and master shared a common cool demeanor. 

Only today, when the rain started, Eren thought he'd seen something else under that calm expression Humanity's Strongest always wore. Something...he didn't quite know. He just knew that it made him hurt to see that look in the captain's eyes, a fleeting glimpse inside the man. Eren wouldn't admit it, but he was a little worried. It was absurd for anyone to worry about The Captain Levi, the man could more than handle himself and anyone else for that matter. But...something just felt a little off about him today. Eren just needed to see him, make sure he was ok. The brunette was shivering, he'd stepped back out into the relentless outpouring of the heavens. Everyone was inside by now. Did Levi slip inside and Eren hadn't noticed? When? 

God, what was he even doing right now? He felt silly. What would he even say if he ran into the captain? "Oh, hi Sir! There you are! I was looking for you." That wouldn't be weird or anything. He was thinking he should probably stop worrying about the older man and just go inside when something in the forest off to the left caught his eye. It was the quickest reflection of light off of metal. Eren slowly splashed forward toward the glint. He had gone a few paces when he saw a short silhouette through the trees. Captain Levi! In the forest...alone...in a downpour. Eren crept further through the trees, circling around, keeping his distance. He didn't want the captain to see him, but he was so curious. What was the man doing out here in the forest? He could see Levi's profile now. His head was tilted back slightly, his eyes looking up at the falling drops that spattered on his cheeks and slithered through strands of soaked hair. His brows were furrowed, a pained look on his face. Eren slunk closer to the tree he was hiding behind; he shouldn't be seeing this. This was personal. Why was he out here? He felt a pang of guilt run through him for spying on the captain in this way, but he couldn't bring himself to look away. 

Humanity's Strongest stood in that way for a while, eyes eventually shutting to block out the water streaming down his face. His arms hung still at his sides, his breathing was slow, emitting little wisps of steam with each exhale. Finally, he dropped his head, opened his eyes and spoke.

"What are you doing out here Eren?" The older man's voice was low, soft. 

Shit! He'd been found out! Had the captain known he was there the whole time? "Captain! I...uh..." his voiced was panicked at first, thinking of some sort of excuse. Nothing came to mind, so he resigned and sighed. "...I just...are you okay?" 

"I'm fine. Go back to headquarters." His voice was quiet and strong, this was not a request it was a command. 

Eren dropped his head in shame. "Yes sir." he quietly muttered and turned away heading back towards the big grey building. God, he felt like an idiot. Out there spying on the captain and he knew the whole time. He reached the edge of the trees and turned his head back to look at the older man one last time. He was in the same place, hadn't moved at all, not a dry spot on his entire body. I chill ran up Eren's spine as icy rivers trickled down it. "How long is he going to stay out here?" Eren whispered to himself. Then he turned back and trotted through the puddles towards headquarters, ready to get out of the cold.

...

Levi was lost in a whirlpool of memories dredged up by the sudden downpour that started earlier. He'd managed to make it through the exercise they'd been running, but he just couldn't keep his poker face for much longer. He was wet and tired, and absolutely filthy. He needed to shower the grime from his body, but he also needed some time to himself, time to collect his thoughts and push those dark memories back down where they belonged. That's why he'd gone out to the forest, to be alone. He had a few moments to himself until Jaeger showed up thinking he was sneaky, creeping around behind trees. He should've guessed the kid would come looking for him. Those emerald eyes had been boring holes in the captain for quite some time now. Levi was used to being looked at with a mixture of fear and admiration. There was definitely admiration in Eren's eyes, some fear as well, but there was also something else.

Thankfully, the young soldier hadn't argued when he'd ordered him to return to headquarters, and once again he was left alone with an ache in his gut. His mind filled with images of the first day he had encountered titans. If only he had been the man he was now, he could've done something. He cursed his younger self for being so naïve and cocky. What a fool he'd been. The world was silent except for the light slapping sound the drops made on the leaves throughout the forest. How long had he been standing there with his eyes closed? He was numb from the soaked clothing that clung tightly to his toned arms and chest. A look of peace finally settled upon the man's face, it almost looked like he had fallen asleep standing there. Perhaps he had finally forgiven himself for what happened all those years ago, or perhaps he just succeeded in reburying it deep within himself. 

Suddenly there was a loud crack and a flash. Levi's eyes snapped open, his hands instantly grasped his blades, ready to slice up any number of titans. The man soon realized there were no titans around him, only the creaking and swaying aspens and pines. It had just been a crack of thunder and flash of lightning, not The Colossal Titan materializing to destroy humanity. Levi sighed, put his blades away and rubbed his temples. It was time to go inside and get cleaned up. It was late enough now that he'd probably missed dinner. Oh well, he wasn't feeling particularly hungry at the moment anyway. Jaeger's words popped into his head, "Are you okay?". The kid had sounded genuinely concerned, it was kind of adorable actually. Humanity's Strongest smiled to himself and made his way towards shelter and a hot shower.


	2. A Surprise Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't originally planning on adding to this, but my brain has continued to run away with this scenario, so, well, here it is. Feedback is much appreciated!

Eren was sitting with his friends and fellow squad members in the mess hall eating dinner. The room was filled with lighthearted laughter and banter. Everyone was just glad to be inside where it was warm and there was a hot meal to devour. Jean was telling some stupid half-cocked story Eren didn't really care to listen to. The brunette had been glancing to the entrance of the room repeatedly throughout the meal, looking for the familiar scowl of his captain. 

Only, the minutes flew by, and Eren never saw those raven locks show up. He started to worry again, it was unlike the man to miss dinner entirely. Sometimes he was late if he was busy, but he almost always showed up at some point. The noise was winding down as people started to drift off to their designated quarters for the night. The cooks looked like they were about to pack everything up. Eren lightly jumped to his feet and jogged to the serving area. He grabbed a clean plate and utensils. As he approached the cooks with a small smile he received suspicious looks in return. 

A tall burly cook grumbled, "What makes you think you can have seconds?"

"Uh, I need more food than most people in order to use my Titan form." That was the second time Eren had lied today, he was usually a really honest person. He silently wondered what the hell had gotten into him.

The burly man glanced to a shorter, mousy looking fellow next to him, "You think that's true?" The mousy man just gave a shrug, unwilling to make a solid assessment of Eren's claim. 

"It's true." Eren spoke confidently now, "If you don't believe me you can just ask Captain Levi, but he'll probably be pretty pissed about being bothered with something so trivial as a little extra food."

The taller man shifted a little nervously at the thought of pissing off Humanity's Strongest. "Fine, whatever." he rolled his eyes and served Eren another plate full. 

"Thanks!" Eren called over his shoulder as he walked away. 

"Yeah, yeah." The burly man responded dismissively.

Eren returned to the table he had been sitting at. Mikasa and Armin were the only ones there now. "Whoa, you got another plate full of food?" Armin was a bit surprised by Eren showing back up with another mountain of mashed potatoes and slices of meat.

Eren looked away sheepishly, "Ha ha, yeah..."

Mikasa gave him a quizzical look, "You alright? You're acting kind of weird today." 

"Yeah, I'm fine." Eren answered quickly.

"Ok..." Mikasa half accepted his answer, "Well, we're going to head to the barracks. We'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, ok!" Eren sat at the table with mock hunger in his eyes until his two friends disappeared into the hallway outside. Keeping one eye on the cooks, who were almost done packing up now, the brunette snuck his way towards the opposite exit in the mess hall. His eyes swept the room one last time to make sure he hadn't been seen, and he tucked out of the door with the full plate in hand. 

...

Levi had just finished washing the day's muck from his body in the showers. He was on his way back to his room, dressed simply in a clean pair of grey pants and a white button-up shirt. He wore no neck-tie or jacket, and his shirt wasn't even buttoned up all the way. His hair was still damp and uncombed. Normally he made a point to look more presentable than this, but it was late, and the halls were quiet. Most soldiers were in the barracks preparing for sleep. Even if a stray soldier were to spot the captain in this casual state, they wouldn't dare say anything about it for fear of being flayed alive by the man's eyes alone. 

The raven haired man was hungry, tired, and cold. In spite of his hot shower, he still felt like the marrow of his bones was ice. He had been outside too long and missed dinner as he expected. He was sure Erwin had probably wondered where he was, but the commander knew the captain well enough to know that Levi would tell him if it was important. 

Levi finally reached his room, turned the handle and stepped inside. He immediately knew that something was off. The light was on, but that wasn't it. He swiftly kicked the door closed with his heal, spun around and locked it with his right hand while his left hand wrapped tightly around an intruder's neck, pinning the person to the wall. 

Eren coughed a bit, his eyes were huge with surprise peering into Levi's death-glare. He was being tightly held against the wall by his throat. Levi was going to strangle him to death. 

"Jeager!? What the fuck are you doing in my room!?" Levi's eyes narrowed, his voice was a growl. 

The young soldier tried to speak through having the ever living shit choked out of him, "Captain Levi, sir. I'm sorry...I didn't mean to be here when you got back..."

Levi realized Eren could hardly speak with his hand squeezing the boy's neck and let go. He maintained his distance though, forcing Eren to stay up against the wall.

"What do you mean you didn't mean to be here when I got back?" Levi was annoyed. He valued his privacy very much and the boy had already intruded upon it once today.

Eren squirmed under his superior's scrutinizing gaze, "Well...you see, I noticed that you missed dinner and I figured that you'd probably be pretty hungry. So...I got you a plate of food." Eren looked at his feet, obviously a little bit embarrassed. He went on not looking up, "But, once I was in here, I figured that you would probably be pretty cold too from being out there so long. So, I got a fire going for you too." 

The room was silent for a moment except for said fire that was crackling peacefully in the room's stone fireplace. Levi finally looked away from Eren and surveyed the room. He noticed a plate full of food sitting on his desk and the warm glow from the flames casting shadows about the room. He looked back to Eren his expression a little softer than before.

The boy dared to look back up and meet his captain's eyes with his own. The words tumbled out of his mouth in a timid tone, "Why were you out there today Sir?"

The older man glanced to the side, "That's none of your damn business."

Eren's own words surprised himself, "You can tell me, I won't tell anyone else. Maybe it'll help to talk about it."

Levi turned his head back towards the boy, a sorrow swimming in the depths of his eyes, "You really want to know my fucking sob story, brat?"

The young soldier nodded his head a little too eagerly. 

"Fine," Levi spat, "maybe it'll help you appreciate what you still have." The captain's gaze focused on the flames licking at the air as he recalled one of the worst days of his life, "I was young and stupid. I thought that I had everything under my control, but I was wrong. I was with the two people that I cared for most in this world. It was our first day outside the wall, our first day seeing titans. We took a few of them down easily and we got cocky, we didn't take them seriously. Then the weather turned on us." 

Levi paused for a moment, he seemed lost in the memory, like he had drifted back in time and was there. Eren stayed silent, waiting for him to continue.

Grey irises met bright greens ones, and the captain's tone changed slightly, "I thought that I had something more important to do than stand next to my friends...so I left them. I left them." The words were soaked with regret. "I realized that I'd made the wrong choice, so I turned back, I tried to find them. But...I was too late. They were already..." He couldn't say it. 

"Hey, Levi, it's not your fault. You can't blame yourself." Eren wore a look of sympathy.

Levi only realized that he was crying when Eren reached a hand up to wipe a tear from his cheek. He recoiled at the touch and took a step back from the boy. The older man's face was back to being stone-cold. "It's 'Sir', and don't ever touch me without my permission. Get the fuck out of my room."

Eren knew then that he crossed a line. He had just witnessed something very rare from the man he admired and he feared that he may have ruined something. "I'm so sorry Sir! I...didn't mean to...I'll go." Looking defeated, the soldier turned to the door and opened it. He began to step into the hallway when Levi's dark voice stopped him, "And one more thing!" 

Eren cringed, his back to the older man. "Yes sir?" He spoke without turning around. 

"Thanks for the food, brat." 

Eren was glad he wasn't facing the man, because he couldn't help the stupid grin that appeared on his face. "You're welcome, sir!" he all but shouted. He closed the door behind him and headed to the dungeon he called home.


	3. Shower Meditations

Eren did his best to avoid the Captain throughout the week following their awkward interaction. It wasn't that he didn't want to be around the man. It was that he didn't want to push him away. He felt like he needed to give Levi some space after he had too eagerly invaded that space. It was hard keeping his distance. The dark haired man was endlessly fascinating to him. The way he carried himself, the pain that Eren could see behind the mask he had perfected, his voice, the sharpness of his eyes. 

It was afternoon. They had finished their morning exercises and were eating lunch. Later, Levi would probably assign them cleaning projects, or perhaps Hanji would snatch him up for more questions and testing. He didn't really mind spending time with Hanji, especially if it meant he could take his mind off of the Captain for a moment. Eren was currently shuffling past the cooks, holding his plate out. He noticed they gave him extra this time. He accepted it with a small "Thanks." He was gathering utensils for his meal when a deep voice spoke behind him. 

"Eren." It was Commander Erwin. 

Eren jumped to attention almost spilling his plate in an attempt to salute with his hands full. "Yes Sir!"

Erwin couldn't help but chuckle a little, but quickly got to business. "I need to speak to Captain Levi after lunch and I can't seem to locate him. I have quite a bit of work to do back in my office. I was hoping that you could track him down for me. Let him know I'll be waiting for him in my office?"

"Yes, of course Sir!" he agreed without thinking. He imagined Erwin 'waiting' for Levi in his office in an entirely uncalled for and inappropriate way. He felt a pang of irrational jealousy before shaking the image from his mind.

"Wonderful. Thank you for your help Eren. Enjoy your lunch." Erwin was walking away before Eren could respond. 

Great. Now he had no choice. He was going to have to talk to Levi one on one. At least he had an excuse this time and wasn't just creepily stalking the man. 

Immediately after Eren sat down for lunch Hanji approached him. 

"Eren! I have some new ideas! I'd like you to come by my office when you're done with lunch if you're not busy with anything else."

"Well..the Commander wants me to find Captain Levi for him, but after that..."

"Perfect! I can't wait!" She was bouncing with excitement as she started to walk away. "Oh, you'll probably find Levi in the showers. He typically skips lunch so he can wash up after training." And with that tantalizing morsel of information, Hanji was off. 

'Wow, even better.' Eren thought sarcastically to himself. 'Now I get to go creep on him while he's naked.' He tried to ignore the nervousness that was fluttering up in his guts. 

Eren took his time eating, hoping that Levi would turn up in the mess hall eventually. Mikasa, Armin, and the rest of their friends came and went from the table. Eren finished the last of his meal, thinking of how unsurprising it was to find out that the Captain showered during lunch. Nobody else would shower during lunch and Eren figured that's probably why Levi did it then. Even though he was an excellent leader, and admired by all of those around him, it seemed like he didn't like being around other people very much. Eren couldn't justify stalling anymore, so he cleaned up his dishes and headed off towards the showers. 

\---

Of course Levi was hungry after morning training, he may be "Humanity's Strongest", but he was also just human. He could eat later however. One of the perks of having the title "Captain" was that you could acquire food outside of the scheduled meal times. His lunch-time shower was more important than eating. It was one of the few moments he got to be alone, other than sleeping. He'd started washing at that time, not necessarily to get away from everyone, but because he just didn't like spending the rest of the day feeling so filthy. Over time though, it had become something like a moment of meditation. 

He was standing there, letting the water pour over him. Hands flat on the wall. His head was bent slightly forward, black hair dangling in front of his eyes. He was taking longer than normal today. Perhaps it was because on top of all the other things tumbling through his mind, he was now wondering why the brat was avoiding him. It's not like he really cared. He had been annoyed when Eren first started hanging around him so much. It was inevitable really, considering that Levi was responsible for Eren in a way. But, something about the way the kid looked at him had changed after a little while. Perhaps he had just gotten used to Eren always being in his line of sight. It felt weird not to have him always hovering around somewhere nearby.

Levi suddenly got the distinct feeling that eyes were on his back. Well, speak of the devil. You start wondering why the brat stopped invading your space all the time, and then he shows up invading the single most private time of the day. He waited for a word, a clearing of the throat, something, anything. The kid was just standing there staring, he knew it. 

"Is there an actual reason you're here interrupting my shower, or have you gotten so bold as to start spying on me naked?" He broke the silence without turning around.

Eren jumped. "S-sorry Sir! Commander Erwin sent me to find you." 

Good god, Levi was gorgeous. Of course the Captain was good-looking, no doubt, everyone knew that. But, Eren realized as soon as he had entered the showers that he had never actually seen the man naked. It was common to see your comrades naked, not a big deal, the showers were communal. As soon as Eren set his eyes on that toned back he couldn't look away. He had been rendered speechless, petrified by the utter perfection that he was witnessing. Levi's skin was not unflawed, but the numerous scars scattered across his porcelain skin somehow added to the beauty. 

"And...?" Levi still hadn't turned around but he was now rinsing any remaining soap from his hair. 

"And...um.." Eren swallowed hard, trying to gain control of his senses. "He wants you to meet him in his office as soon as you can."

Eren was mesmerized by the way his Captain's muscles moved as he ran his fingers through his soaking hair and down the back of his neck. Suddenly Levi shut the water off and turned around. He showed zero signs of discomfort at being fully exposed in front of the kid. Eren quickly averted his eyes to the floor, but not without catching a glimpse of the sharp "V" of muscles stretched between the man's naval and groin. Levi reached for a towel, casually dried himself, and wrapped the towel around his waist. 

"Message noted."

With the towel now safely wrapped around the older man's waist, Eren dared to look back up. Levi's dark hair was disheveled in a way that was both adorable and sexy at the same time. Wait. Adorable? Sexy? When had he started viewing his superior in such a way? Those grey eyes were as cold as ever, staring right into Eren's soul. The young soldier knew he was blushing, couldn't help it. He was trying so hard not to look away from his Captain's face, not to let his eyes travel down his neck, and chest, and...

"You can leave now."

"Right! Yes Sir!" Eren gave an overzealous salute, turned, and did a strange half march out of the shower room. 

As soon as the kid was out of the room, Levi's placid expression broke into a small smirk and he muttered, "Dork.".


End file.
